I think I've got to just come right out and say it. It's not something I've been looking forward to but I don't think I could help it if I tried. I'm moving past denial, and gently easing myself down the winding road of acceptance.
Lo and behold, against all efforts to the contrary, I am my mother's daughter. Shocker, I know.
In many ways, I am grateful. I mean, my mom rocks. She really does. But she also really lives the life of a crazy person, packing in 48 hours worth of stuff into every 24 hour period, making lists of lists and constantly flitting from project to project. That woman is a force to be reckoned with. And heck, who doesn't want to be known as a force to be reckoned with? That is pretty rad.
But it is also pretty exhausting some days. Like woah. And sometimes I get up the druthers to say ENOUGH! And, then, of course, I apologize to myself because, seriously, how rude!
This weekend was an attempt at an "enough" weekend. And I loved it. And it exhausted me. But still I loved it. Although it was a complete and utter "enough" failure.
I had finally finished with my class on Wednesday night and was ecstatic to have the weight of schoolwork off my shoulders for the weekend. Even when I am procrastinating, it looms heavy and large and full of Catholic guilt. So this weekend, the vapors vanished and I could make plans free of any real obligations. So I filled up every hour possible. Crazy person, that's me.
We started the weekend right with an amazing dinner of oysters and sashimi and all other delights I hope to not eat for the better part of 2013. It's like my binge before the diet. It was heaven. And a horrible idea. I mean, if life doesn't work out as planned, I could get really fat from all this binging! Oh and did I mention my light-weight drinking status has evolved to a no-weight status? I had a glass of reisling, foolishly ordered another, and then realized before starting glass #2, that I was drunk. Not crazy drunk, let's be real here. But tipsy funny drunk. Oh lordy. Family Christmas will be an experience!
We spent the rest of the weekend happily Christmas shopping, seeing two of Chris's groomsmen who came in town and their fabulous families/significant others, and spending time on the couch. But before all that, I made us walk around the city for 2 hours running 9 different errands and feeling more and more excited with each one that was crossed off the list. Afterwards, we really needed naps.
Peace so often eludes me. Or rather, I elude peace. At this time of being anxious about so many things, from the daily chores to be done, to the holidays to prepare for, to the question of what life looks like for us next year, I need peace more than ever. I keep waiting for it to come to me, but maybe that's just not who I am. Maybe I need to embrace my mother's genes and take pride in my reckoning force, in my ability to accomplish, to busy my body in order to rest my mind. To say enough....but not really mean it. And love life anyways.