Deleted Text Messages

I am a planner. Life, to me, is one big adventure that's best experienced via an organized list of bullet points, including, but not limited to, detailed notes on priorities, deadlines, and important numbers. I can go on and on. Try me. Oh sure, sometimes I try to pretend that I love to go with the flow and let the wind take me where she blows and oh, this little ol' thing? Oh, I just threw it together.

It's not. It never is. I am a bold faced liar. And now you know.

But last night, I was asked to go on an adventure where no list was provided. No details on what to expect, whom to expect, and whether I'd be fed! All I got was "gym clothes are fine! I'm wearing rainboots!" And oh I already had the text message written out with a (true!) excuse about feeling woozy from giving blood, only having an hour sleep the night before, yada yada yada. And oh the Catholic guilt that was setting in about flaking on my friend, my dear sweet friend who I love so much, who I haven't seen in so long, and who I won't see again until the new year! But oh I was hungry!

And so I deleted the text and said instead, I'm on my way.

Who was that girl? Seriously!

Sometimes, though, you really do just have to let go. Whether it's out of obligation, exhaustion, or a momentary lapse in judgment due to voluntary blood loss. And I am so glad I did. It felt so good to be with my friend. Something about her makes things inside me go siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh and relax in the comfort of being with another soul who loves you for who you are and doesn't care what's hidden under the bed. And she introduced me to two of her new friends who made my belly ache from laughter and who I enjoyed more and more with every second that went by.  And so many seconds went by! Oh and did I mention side ponytails were involved?

I came home more exhausted than when I left, but with a renewed vigor and spirit whispering inside me that it was all going to be okay. Because sometimes I over-analyze my life. And I judge myself on the number and quality of friends I have. And I feel so down about it that it is hard to want to go on and try to make things better. I shy away from new friendships because if my current friends don't even seem like they want to have a connection with me, why should strangers? And if we're thinking of leaving the city in a year, what's the point? I can make it through another year without friends. And on and on it goes until I am saddened and resigned to live a life half fulfilled.

But last night reminded me that filling up that other half was possible. That life and love awaits me if I'm willing to give it a chance. But I just might have to let go of some plans and be open to some new ones.

Okay, world. I'm on my way.